What follows are the days in the life of a late-pregnancy miscarriage, or stillbirth. Not the story anyone wants to share or have, but our story it is none the less. Please pray, we are no where near healed- this is the hardest pain, the deepest sadness I have ever felt. At times I have wondered if maybe my heart would stop from the grief. There is hope in the future, but right now it is sometimes hard to feel hopeful. Minute by minute we get by. To read from the beginning, go here.
16/Jan/2012 (day seven )
I am just feeling angry today. Not directed anywhere really and everywhere all at the same time. I don’t want to be angry, it makes me feel yucky. I’ve felt numb as well, not ready to face the world. The thought of grocery shopping scares me, most group settings if I think about them I get anxious. I know it will take time but I am having a hard time with the person to person situations. I feel highly apprehensive about what people will say or do and if it will set me off crying when I don’t want to. I just don’t want to be crying in front of every person I see. I feel so human today, so broken, so sad. My emotions are a wreck. I have had to apologise several times for being rude. My heart aches, my little one is not with me.
Today a friend sent me a verse that she was praying for me. Psalm 147:3, “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds”, which is really good–but it was verses 4 and 5 that soothed my soul, “He determines the number of the stars and calls them each by name”, my loving Father is calling my star by his name, Shiloh. And then the last bit, “Great is the Lord and mighty in power; his understanding has no limit”. I am writing those down and going to carry it around in my pocket today. I love that God is calling my son by his name. Because I was never able to call him by name so that he would know it was his, to me it is important to know that God cares enough about him to call him by name. And it is even more amazing that He spoke that to me today, to make me feel better.
17/Jan/2012 (day eight)
It is an odd feeling to long to feel better, but to be terrified that then you will forget- both seem to cause grief. Yesterday I stopped taking sudafed, which the doctor gave me to stop the milk production–it just wasn’t working and I thought that maybe it was not letting me sleep. After sleeping two hours 2 nights ago I figured I should just try it. I am so thankful, so thankful that my prayers were answered. God had mercy and yesterday my pain eased up a little, and last night I slept all night. Life is easier with sleep.
My mom flew in from Spain today and is helping with the house and the boys, right now I am watching them play monopoly on the floor. I am blessed. God knows right when I need it and He supplies me in His love. Things are coming together, the pain today is much better, I slept, and my boys are being loved on. The sadness is still here, but it has morphed from loud sobs to a quiet longing. Still sometimes a thought or a baby item or a dream I had will trigger the deep pain to rise to the surface again. Yet through it all Christ is my strength, He is my hope, my Healer, my Redeemer. God knows my exact pain, yet He did not withhold His own Son from death, He paid my ransom even before I cared, before I was born. God gets this pain.
How can I say God is faithful when things are good for me and change my mind when things don’t go as I had thought? If God is faithful, He is always faithful, not just when I feel like things are going my way. I have been thinking about our little Shiloh, and really how blessed we are to live in a country that caught the death before his body had decayed and infection had killed me. We also have food to eat, a place to sleep, our house is a safe place to be. I can think of 3/4 of the world where the mammas literally watch as their children starve to death, day by day, or die because infection caused by the polluted water that is all they have to drink. If I believe in a God who is faithful to me and to all, circumstance is
I love this song, a dear friend sent it and it is the one I have been drawn to for the last couple days.
To read our journey from the beginning, go here.