| Posted: 25 Jan 2012 01:49 PM PST
What follows are the days in the life of a late-pregnancy miscarriage, or stillbirth. Not the story anyone wants to share or have, but our story it is none the less. Please pray, we are no where near healed- this is the hardest pain, the deepest sadness I have ever felt. At times I have wondered if maybe my heart would stop from the grief. There is hope in the future, but right now it is sometimes hard to feel hopeful. Minute by minute we get by. To read from the beginning, go here.
I have felt up and down and all around over the last days. The swell of God’s peace from the first days that covered me when I needed it the most is still there, but it is just true that it is not required as it was in the first days and therefore it is not as thick. I decided to go to church on Sunday, it was a bad call- as I wasn’t ready to get the love that was waiting to come my way to the extent to which it was given. I was overwhelmed and we left early, in tears and filled with an intense feeling of flight. Guilt then overwhelmed me for being upset with people,they were just trying to love me, it was too much too soon and I overreacted.
Slowly, the words of the Father settle over me, they form me. Abba takes my clay pot, adds in tears and I am being made new. This time is one of great uncertainty and it is one I am not navigating through on my own. With each step The Husband has been holding me up to our Abba father, helping me, holding me, loving me, and putting up with me. I could not ask for a better man, this pain has brought us together in a way which is impossible to put into words unless you have bonded over pain with someone, and then you will just know what I mean. It blows everything else, all the romancy-red laced valentine love to tattered shreds, it is the real, the raw, that which stands- this is love.
Sometimes I know how I should feel about something, or how I have always been able to feel about it before and yet I cannot. I am completely caught off guard by the most common circumstance, if I didn’t see it coming. I feel like a time bomb, ready to go off, afraid to be chaos at any moment, making me feel sad and guilty all over again.
However now more of the day is hopeful than sad, there is more light, more future, more something deeper. I have been hollowed out by this pain, and I am being filled in with something that does not come from me- it is a growth I didn’t know. Despair is loosing its grip, peace, a lasting peace filling its fingerprints. Still we are sad,Shiloh’s spot will never be filled, will will never be the same again, and yet there is joy in our house once more. Not because of anything except that we are now more able to choose it, for those still here, for the two sons God has given us to watch on this earth- our grief holds, joy is not always complete- but it is there, like a bud in the spring. Worship is forming in my heart, and this song below has been the one I have listened to over and over and then played even more, knowing it is God’s heart for His children. The rawness of my voice to him, the tears that flow still, I offer it all in worship to Him.
Listen to this song, the words are below.
I am the Lord your God, I go before you now
I am the Lord your peace, no evil will conquer you
Come to Me, I’m all you need. Come to Me, I’m everything
I am your anchor, in the wind and the waves
I have been so loved on in this season, people I know, people who I only know a little and then some that I don’t know at all are reaching out to me. We have had meals every night brought to us from friends- I am so shocked by every single response I am getting. I am left speechless at how loved God has shown me that I am, you, each of you are His hands, His tangible love to us right now. I have loved your emails, your comments, your poems you have sent me, books you’ve dropped off, cards in the mail, flowers, songs, and even a tree seedling to plant outside when the time comes. Thank you, you have no idea how much you mean to me.