Would Shiloh be a calm baby or would he need to be held all day? Would he sleep through the night at 2 months like his older brothers did? How would the boys do with him? Compared to his brother’s big kid hands his fingers would be tiny. Who would he look like? Would we all fight to hold him? To rock him to sleep? Would the boys really read to him like they tell me they would?
This last week has been very tough. I have hit a slump, one that just like the whole rest of this ordeal, I was not expecting. A few days ago I realised I would have been starting out the third trimester, and it was also Shiloh’s 2 month birthday. I feel as though someone pulled a plug and emotions fall free. I am so sad. Most other people have moved on to think of other things when they see me, to talk of other exciting or hard issues they are dealing with. Still it is hard for me to believe reality is still supposed to happen. That I am still supposed to meet expectations, most of which I place on myself.
Today I was thinking of how when the boys play in the yard I watch through the window, I was wondering if year after year I will imagine Shiloh tagging along with his older brothers, playing soccer or riding bikes. I know they would be amazing big brothers, they are very caring, I just wish I could have watched them instead of imagining them.
Recently someone told me I have a broken heart, she too had experienced several still births and when she said that it just rung so true. My heart is broken, now I see life though its shreds. It is so hard for me to be weak, so difficult to feel vulnerable, I keep telling myself ‘I am okay, it is all in my head, I can just move on, just power through’- and then I hit a bump and the plug falls out and the damned tears are free to fall. Then I realise this is going to take a while. This is going to hurt for much longer than I even understand.
It will certainly hurt longer than some folks are willing to put up with. If I could feel normal, I promise I would be- I am sick of the attention, of feeling like I am pouting for notice, I don’t like being the weak link, the one that needs healing. And yet, I am. I need grace, love, I am very sensitive, I can’t even look at newborns. I would not have chosen this for so many reasons, for so many reasons I would have chosen an easier way out. No matter how much glory God gets, no matter who is blessed- I am selfish and would not choose to have my heart weep inside my chest the way it does.
And yet, I know I am to say: Not my will be done, but Yours.
If you haven’t read the story our our little Shiloh, read here.