Sometimes it seems I can meet my own needs pretty well, that I can endure in my own strength. Which means that I take a good running start at life screaming; “this too I will CONQUER!!”. And when the storm is over the horizon, when the stillness settles in I am to be found clinging to the ground before me crunched into a ball, self pity a mist all around me. There is something wrong with this, very wrong. Self pity only comes to my aid when I try to muster things on my own.When will I learn that I have no victory that I can claim? That all of it comes from my Abba father. I was not asked to conquer in battle, I was asked to be faithful, I was not called to be victorious, I was told to stand firm and even this I was not told to do of myself. The blows will come, they are not mine to face.
I regret not one day, or one instant that I have walked in complete faith. I only regret the instances of doubt, of fretting, of trying to make myself more through actions, though possessions. I can add to myself no value, not a grain of worth. I see me for what I am when I allow my heart to recognize the wholeness of my maker. Me being who I am, He being who He is- yet he loves to lavish me. He pours like rain upon my thirst, I have not a need He cannot meet, I have no dream that He could not grant. And yet, He rewards in ways so incomprehensible to me, ways that create and transform in a breath, unite and forgive with only a sigh.
I am so little, I need not be big. He is all the big for the both of us, He is the strength that moves me, the force that lifts me from any desperate place. I don’t ask for Him to give me strength, but to just be mine. He swoons when I ask that of Him, when I give up and call out. His tears fall when mine do, and the instant I ask for love, hope, or faith to meet my lack- He breathes it into being.
I know I forget how big my God is, and that is what makes me feel the need to conquer, to be a fortress on my own- what do I have that could not be taken? I have nothing but the breath he gives me. My heart is commanded by his fingertip. The second I am to be no more on this earth- I will be taken.
The more I learn, the more I live, the more my eyes don’t see it fit to be limited to what is here before me. The pain I endure is not a measure of His faithfulness, or of His lack. I hold on and wait because I was told there would be pain here on earth, that it would leave me wanting, longing for more. Pain does not describe me, nor own me.Grief is not my maker, or my lover. All I am is what He has given. I only have what He has granted. I am free.
If you haven’t read the story our our little Shiloh, which is what started this journey, read here
If you read this and it blessed you, let me know-it blesses me so to hear it, or send me an email if you would prefer.