Today is Not My Due Date.

 

Today was my due date, Shiloh could have come today. His older brother Oliver was born on his due date, so it does happen sometimes- I think they say there is a 10% chance that will happen. But today is not a day of expectancy, it is a day of void, of heartbreak, and acceptance. Today is a day where I again choose to choose joy.

Life has proceeded, time has passed and yet I still remember Shiloh every day. EVERY.SINGLE. DAY. The sting has been lessening daily, and yet today  knocks the wind from my lungs. Today I feel the sting, the pain and my tears come so easy.

I didn’t know what today would feel like, I have dreaded it, resented it, hated that it was inevitable that it was to come- and yet, I want God to have this day too. There is no way to know the feeling that grief brings unless you have lived it, it is so often  a physical pain, an indwelling of a constant groan inside even when there is no outward expression of sadness. It feels like my heart could stop, like I could thow up- like nothing else matters.

Heal me, O Lord, and I will be healed; save me and I will be saved, for you are the one I praise.   Jer. 17:14

If I lift my eyes and open my lips to bring praise to the father, the heavy burden lifts sometimes for a long time, today just for a bit. Praise is the key to healing, to open my mouth and praise God in this too, I will praise God. That is a place beyond acceptance, it is choosing to choose joy- not because you feel it, but because you don’t.

Heal me, O Lord, and I will be healed; save me and I will be saved, for you are the one I praise.   Jer. 17:14

A couple weeks back God shared a word with e during worship. He told me that my heart was broken, and that I knew- but He told me why. He just said to me: “your heart aches so deeply because not only did you loose your son, you lost me”. I knew exactly what He meant, and I wept. It was true. I have not doubted Him for one moment, or His plan for me, or that He is powerful- I did doubt that He cared, that He had what was best for me in His heart, that He would not overlook me. He said those words to me because I had lost a true image of Him. My pain had caused me to build a false image of God, an idol, He was mostly like God- but lacking in love, in tenderness, in joy, in faithfulness. My image was wrong, it was a God made in my image, when I broke that idol my heart made- I felt a healing I had not felt since the doctor told us Shiloh was dead.

Heal me, O Lord, and I will be healed; save me and I will be saved, for you are the one I praise.   Jer. 17:14

Today should have been my due date. It could have….but God did not choose it to be so. I can fight that still, but mostly now I just weep from loss. When I get to heaven, and meet my little boy and my saviour I know my heart’s void will be filled- until then I do feel a longing, for my healer, and for my Shiloh.

So I can say: Heal me, O Lord, and I will be healed; save me and I will be saved, for you are the one I praise.   Jer. 17:14

For He is my healer.

This is short, and yet- it sums it all up. It is true, I will always remember.

 

Amen.

Shiloh Maxwell Canfield


If you haven’t read the story our our little Shiloh, read here.
To see all the Shiloh posts from the most recent to the first go here.  

If you read this post and it blessed you, let me know-it blesses me so to hear it, or send me an email if you would prefer.