Every broken heart

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I used to write almost daily. I would post thoughts, encouragements, recipes,  book reviews.  I wrote when my feelings and thoughts were admired, and praised. I  wrote when I could be proud of the thoughts inside my mind, and the things my heart beat for.  I was clever and quick and thought my opinions were worth reading. Others liked what I had to say too, people would stop me at the Saturday market or at churches asking me if I was “the dreadlock girl” (the title of my old blog).  But then I just stopped writing. I lost my voice, or more truthfully it had become something I saw no value in. My thoughts were not  beautiful as they once had been, they were broken, wounded. My heart was not satisfied and whole, it was shattered. I no longer had the desire to encourage.

Friends gave me journals, that remained empty. In my two years in Ethiopia, I wrote three pages of one journal. Those pages are painful to read. I was miserable. I tried not to be, I didn’t think that is how a good christian should feel at answering the call of God on their life. It isn’t how I wanted to feel either. Fellow missionaries would say, ” we aren’t suffering for christ, we live in paradise”.  I would hold my tongue, it was hell to me, almost every day was hell.  I was so alone. My heart was broken. God felt more than a million miles away.

Sometimes I wonder at this mountain of a journey in front of me. Battered and blistered I claw upwards a few steps, feel a little better about myself and then fall back down to the bottom, or give up climbing and walk back down, over and over. When I sat thinking about  all of this yesterday, I realised I do have a voice and it is valuable. It is the voice of the broken, the sinner, the lonely, the deserted, the abandoned, the weary and the lowly, for I am all of these things.  My voice before just chimed out “shoulds” and “truths” without any real depth of understanding.

Are we truly perfected through the gruesome pain and suffering, self-inflicted or otherwise that we endure?  Does God  work all things together for good, in real life? The prodigal, did he know the value of a deeper love having known the searing pain of his sinful separation?  Could he better relate to the tears a friend shed in remorse knowing he too needed forgiveness? I think he could. What about Jesus? He too knew how it feels to bear my shame. While the seemingly perfect people will forever chime in saying, that at least they didn’t ever mess up so badly, as broken we need to learn to see the value of redemption in  our scars, the beauty in our pain, the bravery in our enduring, the fierce fight it takes to put one foot in front of the other. That is brave, it is brave to not resent being broken unto tenderness. Let’s you and me, the broken in the ranks, bring up the rear of this fierce and wounded army, every straggler counts, because I can promise that every wounded heart needs a hand to hold. I know I do.

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“He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the former things have passed away.” 5And the One seated on the throne said, “Behold, I make all things new.” Rev. 21:4

“Be strong. Take courage. Don’t be intimidated. Don’t give them a second thought because God, your God, is striding ahead of you. He’s right there with you. He won’t let you down; he won’t leave you.” Deut. 31:6

6 thoughts on “Every broken heart

  1. Beaitiful and encouraging words. Hot home for sure amd reminded me that in ancient and often unheard of Christian teachings,there is what is called “the dark night of the soul. It cam last for a few months or even years. Ot is understood to be a beeaking amd deepening time in the beleiver. Often confusing amd feelings of abandonment amd seperation accompany this time. And even a deep percieved silence from God.
    I after over twenty-seven years of beimg a christian just heard of this last year. I remember that even Pastor Rob.went thrpigh such a time about fifteen years ago where he even thought about leaving the ministry. Imagine all that corvallis was doing for the kingdom, a beautiful wife and family, financially stable etc,. And still feeling outside.
    Anyways I am also walking through such time for years amd am thankful for your writing. Thank you and Amasaganalo!

  2. Bethany I thought I was the only one to feel so broken. Thank you for validating that this can happen to each and everyone of us. I struggle daily and have never been able to verbalize it as well as you.

  3. What powerful words, so beautifully written! God uses you in mighty ways.
    My favorite words: “Let’s you and me, the broken in the ranks, bring up the rear of this fierce and wounded army, every straggler counts, because I can promise that every wounded heart needs a hand to hold.” I want to join this army, with my hand extended out to the next broken heart. I think many do. Thank you Lord, for seeing all of our broken hearts and for healing like No One else can.

  4. It is easy for some to lay themselves out , raw and wounded for others to see the real you from the inside. It is harder for others, they hide, hoping if no words are spoken , no one will know the agony, and shame they carry like a stone around their neck. I imagine this was difficult for you, so thank you for being transparent in your pain so others can feel like they also won’t die if someone finds out their life is not perfect, helping others to believe they will be able to breathe better and deeper when a sister or brother shoulders some of the weight along side them. I had a horrendous day, I wept all day and all the way home from work. I cried out to God “why me again Lord!!” I was on the brink of a breakdown when a little bell rang, I had an email. I did not recognize the author, and still don’t know how I got this, well…..yes I do, it was divine intervention. I needed each and every brave word my sister! Praise God for speaking through you, and that you were brave enough to be the vessel for his message to me, a stranger and yet your sister, in need of Gods love.

  5. Beauty in brokenness is the room it gives for Abba’s Healing.
    Without the conflict their is no time for victory.
    What a time for a friend. What a blessing is our Jesus.

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